Didn't want to go shopping anyway.

Chopping Mall was a prime example of why we do this blog. A very obscure movie and yet very entertaining. I really enjoyed it! From opening credits to the last couple minutes of the movie I was laughing at all the glorious cheese! The very premiss of this movie doesn't make sense and Corina pointed that out in the first 3 mins of the movie. Killbots in a mall rolling around can be defeated by...stairs. NOT SCARY. Also heights and low spots out of a robot's line of vision, but instead these teens "duck and weave" right in the line of fire. The killing line up was very predictable, they followed the horror movie rules. But Oh the dazzling visual graphics...just stunning. I also loved how the robots sounded like vacuum cleaners, very stealthy. But my favorite part in the whole movie: man rides slow moving scoot buggy into robot and is electrocuted. Epic death of all time.
For all those "B" movie enthusiasts this movie is a must see!!!!

I give this movie 4 air pinchin' intimidations out of 5

Chopping Mall (1986)

"Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg" hahaha clever!

I know we are all eager to watch this movie but make sure you watch it in the day time. I can tell this is going to be one of "those" movies that make you jump from your bedroom door into bed and make you have to pee in pairs!

FreeJack more like PeeVac. Get it a Vacuum that sucks urine?!

Wow...what a movie. What can I say it was 2 hours of computer browsing time. When I am able to browse the web and still be able to know whats going on in the movie thats pretty bad! FreeJack was an educational experience. I learned how to be romatic "nibble my ear for luck", saran wrap has more uses then keeping food fresh, and if you need to blend into a poverty stricken place just limp a little (same goes for if you need to blend in with pirates, I feel completely capable now even if I don't get the help of Tinkerbell). Seeing Emilio brings back the days of the Mighty Ducks I just couldn't help but expect Emilio to yell at some point "Flying V"... it never happened:(
FreeJack was pretty boring I didn't care about the characters, the action scenes were weak to say the least and the special effects could have been done better in my basement! One thing I found amusing in the movie was Brad. The bad guy from Mr. Nanny sans metal plate in his head... I always wondered what he looked like without it. I've concluded he just looks less shiny!
Overall I don't want to watch the movie again, that was 2 hrs of my life that I will miss and I would have rather watched Gymkata again!!!!

I give this movie 1 deadly games of hide and go seek out of 5

Porky Schmorky

Well I watched this movie about a week and a half ago so it's a little tough to remember some of the comments I had but i will try. I could not tell when this movie was suppose to be taking place. It seemed to be late 50's ish but then the teens language and conduct was more like a movie of the 80's and 90's. Their cars and clothing were vintage as well. Oh and holy nudity! I should have guessed from the front cover of the movie but it caught me off guard. It was movie cheese at its finest, I love the pulling down of Porky's at the end the only thing that could have made that scene better would have been ........ a montage!!!! Overall just a fun movie to watch.


I give this movie 3 Faulty Plumbings out of 5

Escape From Absolom...I mean No Escape

This was a really good movie, I will definitely watch it again in the future. I wouldn't even mind owning it!!! I find it hard to think of Ray Liotta as a bad ass because I always think of him as Manny the dad from Corrina Corrina. when Captain Robbins got dropped off at Absolom I thought he was going to join the "lost boys" and they were going to plan their escape, while fighting against majestic wild beasts, jungle disease and indigenous cannibal tribesman. I was a little off. I liked the way it ended up playing out.

Lots of action, good story and I cared about the characters. An enjoyable movie to watch! Great pick!



I give this movie 4.25Grown men's diaries out of5

Going To Need More Then A Prayer

I am on a roll, I just keep picking gems. I thought this movie would be an extreme mighty ducks meets double dragon....it pretty much was. It even had a cheesy version of "the flying V". An angsty gang of teens has taken over the streets and the distribution of the drug mist, our Charley Conway of the movie Griffin(Corey Haim) has to become apart of the rollerboys (against his better judgement) for the cops. Armed only with good looks, mad blading skills, and a sweet pair of pants he single handedly takes down the rollerboys as well as a duo of dirty cops. He gets the girl, saves his father figure Speedbagger, and earns his younger brother an education. I love happy endings.

This movie wasn't terrible. It kind of jumped all over the place though and it really didn't explain why or how the rollerboys came into power. However I did enjoy the rollerblading scenes with Griffin and I can appreciate the story. Nothing too memorable though.




I give this movie 2.5Crazy Jacob Mist makers out of5

Prayer of the Rollerboys

Well team I just might have done it again! The majesty of this movie might make it to the bottom of our movie rate o meter. It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it. We have some inline skating, explosions and Corey Haim....doesn't get much better then this!

"Better say your prayers, boy... they're coming."

PS. You can thank me later :D

Gave Me the Heebeejeebees

Pretty decent movie. There was quite a few parts during the movie that creeped me out. The gooey arms from beneath the bed, creepy nudie minions, old construction worker from in the walls and much more. The parents in this movie were both terrible actors, the kids were quite decent. I actually thought they were terrified.
Terry was quite annoying though (Glen's little friend). He drove me insane and I almost cheered when he fell in the hell hole! While partaking in this movie I learned a couple life lessons that I will share with you!

Lesson 5- dress your minions from the petites section or their pants fall off and you may endure skid marks everywhere, bare bums hanging out at the very least.
Lesson 4- when walls start to move around or dead things start to come from the walls it's time for new drywall (or call your landlord)
Lesson 3- if moths grow to be bigger then small birds call an exterminator
Lesson 2- if you suspect your rock of producing a demon or opening the gates of hell, call a geologist
Lesson 1- call before you dig!!! I can't stress this enough.




I give this movie 3.5Angus steaks out of5



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No Trembling in Tremors 2

Well Tremors 2 was actually one of the better movies we have watched (good pick Brandon). I was expecting some scary/terrifying moments that would have me twitching all over the couch but it mainly consisted of quirky remarks and half bad acting! Tremors2 even had a touching, sentimental part were I began to actually feel bad for the graboids!

I think they could have put a little more effort and funds to the ending of the movie though. "It's going to be BIG" turns out to be medium. That explosion sucked! I could have done better with a lighter and some dust bunnies!

By far my favorite was Burt Gummer(mustache man). " I ... am completely.....out...of ammo" his face was priceless! This movie would not have been as good without him!

I give this movie 3Exploding knuckle buddies out of5

Unorganized Orderlies

Disorderlies had rapping in it, so does my review!

This movie was cheese, but watch it if you please. Don't say I didn't warn you, when you are watching the doodoo! Colourful shirts and a sideway hat, nike airs you can't beat that. This movie has dancing, food and rapping too, as well as a greedy blonde nephew! 3 crazy dudes who try real hard, don't worry old man they won't let down their guard. Protect your money with all their might, end with a high five in the daylight!!!!!!

The Fat Boys should not quit there day job. I took the liberty of making an advertisement for a possible new career opportunity. Don't worry Boys, this ones on the house!













I give this movie 2 Wrappin' Rappers out of5

Ghoulies Was Full of Pooies.

Well... this movie almost made me speechless. Other then a lightening beam stare showdown I really don't remember very much! I am pretty sure this movie had a little bit of everything from every genre. It had raising of the dead, black magic rituals, home renovations, college students, parties, goblins, and little short people that looked like gnomes!!! Exhilarating. Jonathan inherits a mansion and decides 'hey this creepy stuff in the basement looks like fun, I'm gonna give it a try'. Thus resulting in wonky, kool-aid green eyes (possibly glaucoma), an anger problem and an ex-girlfriend. His "minions" turn their backs on him, and his friends get killed. The house falls apart, and his "servant" is left to fight the original evil master!

Moral of the story: Black magic will leave you with nothing!

The best: Firework laser beams that shoots from everyones eyes (like an epic battle against Noheart). It almost made up for the terrible acting! Oh and the cute little pug-like ghoulie.

The worst: the menacing ghoulies, they barely make an appearance! They should have called the movie "Crap-The First of Four". At least you would know what to expect. Oh and yes that's right folks they made 4 of these suckers!

I give this movie 1 Adult Care Bears out of 5

Can't believe I stayed awake for GYMKATA!

Well I did it again boys, I picked a real winner! I was expecting one of those so cheesy its good martial arts movie and all I got was a semi-flexible dude and a totally misunderstood story line! We actually had to look up the premise on the internet to figure out what the heck was going on.

By the name and trailer of the movie you assume there will be some new fangled martial arts mixed with gymnastics, one guy kickin' the butts of overwhelming hordes, and superb skill like no other man on the planet but all you get is disappointment. Disappointing characters, disappointing plot and disappointing action! The best part was crazy town (which wasn't that crazy), where all the criminally insane are sent. Oh and there is an unsuspecting surprise in this town........... Kurt's father (whom we have heard nothing about up until this point so we don't really care!) This movie was Lame, lame LAME!!!!

I give it 1 Dominique Dawes could have done it better out of 5

Gymkata

This one going to be a real winner!!! I can tell. Nothing says awesome like tight pants, flips and karate kicks!

"The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate."

I apologize in advance for any broken lamps. I know that after watching this one we will all want to try out some new moves!

Collision Course? More like crash and burn!

I should have known at a glance. First clue of terrible is Jay Leno! Holy smokes you want some bad acting..... Leno is prime example he is worst than Keanu Reaves!!!! I was hoping Mr. Miyagi would save the movie, maybe train a couple karate experts (small but mighty) to really kick butt and become the new "buddy cops" but alas my dreams were shattered.

The most exciting part in this movie: a flying kick through a windshield that squishes the antagonist's head like it was nutty putty!!!! Woohoo. While this motion is taking place you are thinking "no, he's not really going to, OMG he did!!!"

I took you through the whole movie now you don't have to watch it! :D

I give this movie 1.5 sweep the leg Johnnys out of 5.

This is Mr. Myagi destroying "Leno san's" dreams.

Prothetic

Get it? It's like pathetic but I incorporated the title of the movie kinda! Anyhoo... the Prophecy could have done so much more! I really liked the story line, I had extremely low expectations for this movie so when I actually watched it I was a little surprised! I am not saying it was a good movie, I am just saying it had a good premise! I am a fan of supernatural/ spiritual being anything so its hard to rate this movie. There were some really unacceptable parts in this movie ie. open mouth kisses for little girls from much older men, eyeless angels and Cassey Jones without the turtles! Some positive points...ummm... pretty writing in the lost passage of the bible and...Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer saving the day!

I wish they would have tied up some loose ends like Thomas reconciling his faith, and perhaps explaining the deal with that teacher and her attachment to Mary. When I went home sick from school non of the teachers came to check on me or tuck me in!

Overall I give this movie 2.25 spit swappin' souls out of 5

Living in a Cereal World!

Serial Mom was definitely the better of movies thus far! It was funny, gruesome, and gave me a motivational boost of sanity. Beverly (Kathleen Turner), is a suburban mom who just can't take it anymore. Gum chewing, extending her husband's work hours, parking spot stealing are just some of the things that sets her off. From the unexpected events to the items used to do "the deeds" this movie is edge of the seat thrillingish.

I give this movie 3 flew over the cuckoo's nests out of 5

This is when Beverly attacks the older lady with the turkey, notice the blood, very severe!

Land Before Ti- I mean Baby Legend of the Lost Dinosaur

This movie was not too bad, it exceeded my expectations! So I will probably end up going easy on it. Other then it bringing up horrid memories of Little Foot and his mom in Land Before Time and the mediocre acting it held my interest. There was instantly vanishing tribes, white folk trying to have babies, crazy professors, dancing, gun fights and dinosaurs in this movie you get it all. I would have never guessed it would be possible to combine all these at the same time but by golly this movie sure did! The dinosaurs are the best part of the movie by far. They were cute and huggable yet could crush humans with their massive plant chewing jaws. RIVETING!

Look I made a completely seamless dinosaur no problem!

I give this movie 3 "seamless" dinosaurs out of 5 but don't take my word for it.

Should have Walkened away from Touch!

TERRIBLE!!!! This was an awful movie! You are expecting a comedy because that is what's falsely advertised and all you get is blood and bore. Skeet's stigmata like tendencies and Bridget Fonda's perky nippies are the points (haha get it points?) in the movie I remember most.

Here is a movie summary: Hi I am Juvenile watch me bleed and cure, blah blah blah... me and miss pointy nips are in love, now I can't bleed, blah blah blah... AHhhhhhh! (sound of Tom Arnold out the window)....... VrRRRoOOooom (love birds drive away in a car) Blah! SnoozaPalooza.

I give this movie .75 MGM you let me down out of 5

Dolph should have stuck to golf. (For this movie at least)

I am always a fan of martial arts movies but this one was an exception. Brandon Lee's random quirky comments and the extremely slow fight scenes made it more like Kindergarten Cop then Bad Boys. Which is fine if you are trying to achieve a Kindergarten Copesk movie, but I don't think that's what they were going for.

With such a large budget they could have done much better. I think most of the funds went to shirtless ladies and pyrotechnics. I never realized that the spinny, round, knife throwing target was so flammable and dangerous! You learn something new everyday.

Overall this movie was a big "meh!" in my books. The story was non original, it had lame lines and boring fight scenes. They didn't even use Brandon Lee and Dolph Lundgren to their full potential for martial arts. Who knew Japanese warriors use guns! Oh and let's not forget about that terrible leather jacket and the too big suits everyone wore!!!! Yuck.

I give this movie 1.75 bulging biceps out of 5