Shopping Mall?

Why are we reviewing shopping malls now? What? Oh "CHOPPING" mall! oooh killer robots and terrible acting! oh that makes sense now.

Chopping Mall was a fun movie, it is the epitome of what this blog should be about. Although the movie itself is mind-numbingly awful it was still fun and really entertaining.
Lots of movies have been getting A+s in "mind-numbingly awful" but Ds in "fun and entertaining". So this one passed the test.

The Goods: A bad movie that was fun to watch with friends. The type of movie that is more enjoyable when everyone is talking about it while it plays.

The Bads: There was lots of "bad" things in this movie but they all added to the overall appeal. The worst thing was probably how cliché the teens acted.

Life lesson: How to escape from killbots: Hide or take the stairs.

Rating: 3.5 pink lasers out of 5

Freedom Isn't free, Jack!

IMPORTANT NOTE:
I'm going to try and be nice in this review. I'm not going to be mean or negative.
It's going to be full of sunshine and rainbows.

Freejack was a delightful movie filled with pink race car explosions, time travel and tin foil surgeons using lightning guns to lobotomize Emilio Estevez.

It has digital old men trying to steal young men's body's to live forever and it's full of... Ahhh I can't do it anymore. Freejack wasn't good. It was boring and predictable, none if the characters mattered, the acting was okay, but nothing really happened that was worth the money to put it on screen. I guarantee Anthony Hopkins does not talk about Freejack and probably slaps anyone who brings it up.

All in all the idea wasn't bad, and the acting was okay, but the movie stinks anyway.

Here is how I remember the movie (maybe that's why I didn't like it):

Rating: 1 nibble on Emilio's ear out of 5


BTW isn't it weird that this movie takes place in 2009? It's like watching a movie that takes place in the future, but is still in the past. Head explode!

Freejack (1992)

I hope the year 2009 won't be like this...

P-P-P-Porkys

The Goods: Immature humor. I was pleasantly surprised that it had a decent plot.

The Bads: Porky had his business torn down because he wouldn't let underage durps partake in his establishment. I have to side with Porky in this movie and I was kind of mad at how everything turned out. Those brats had no business being there and that redneck kid didn't need to KEEP going back there.

Life lesson: Highschool is a crazy time! It's full of interesting and outrageous situations! (not really)

Rating: 3 broken headlights out of 5

Escape? Nope!

Who knew Ray Liotta running around an island could be this much fun?

Seriously though, I have a headache so I'm gonna keep this short.

The Goods: Good Movie. It was entertaining and fun.
The Bads: The whiny kid was a little annoying, but I guess he was important for the story progression.
Life lesson: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Rating: 4 Homemade Christmas Trees out of 5

Rollerbarf

Wow. Elisa can sure pick em'. A nice healthy turd from the movie tree.

The Prayer of the Rollerboys is an action packed thrill ride with constant edge of your seat excitement. The powerful acting and breathtaking story will keep this movie relevant for generations to come.

... Whoops! No, the opposite of that.


The Goods: Somewhat fun very 90s.
The Bads: Boring. At times I thought this movie was running on energizer batteries.
Life lesson: How to make a movie:
1) Pour in a plot centered around an apocalyptic city.
2) Pick an activity that seems extreme.
3) Dash in some made up drug that seems to be the problem of the world.
4) Sprinkle in punks and attitude
5) ?
6) Profit

Rating: 1 hit of 'Mist' out of 5

Investigate, interrogate and delegate

The Gate was a creepy little movie, way more creepy then I thought it was going to be.

Since I'm all grown up and awesome now, the movie didn't effect me at all. It was pretty straight forward and everything just kind of meanders along until the finale. However, if I saw this when I was kid, I would have peed my underoos.

Seriously, how did you watch this when you were a kid Brandon? that must have f-'d your fragile little mind.

Those minions were really creepy. the demon mom and dad where ultra creepy. and the shot of the dead family photo was mega creepy. a zombie dragging kids to hell is head-explodingly creepy.

Creepiness aside, the movie's effects where really well done. The composting, makeup, and puppets are topnotch.

The Goods: Fun and creepy movie. I'll probably watch it again sometime.
The Bads: The acting is pretty stiff and awkward.
The Moral: Heavy metal has life lessons.

Rating: 4 melting phones out of 5

Get it? Minions.. hurr hurr

Hey Hey it's the Graboids!

And people say they Graboid around!


Tremors 2 was a fun movie! (any movie that has people running around and shooting at monsters is fun IMO)

I didn't know that there were four Temors movies released. To be honest I don't even really remember the first one. This second one was fun though, and it makes me want to see the other ones. It was probably one of the better movies we have watched so far on this blog. (that says a lot)


The Goods: It's a fun movie monster movie. The use of animatronics was actually impressive.
The Bads: Some acting was really hammy. The worst part was when they made the creatures in CG to make a pyramid. They looked awful.
The Moral: Graboids are like gremlins. I'd hate to see what happens when they get wet.
Rating: 4 "Doing what I can with what I got" out of 5

I'm sorry, I don't know what this is. But it exists now.

Just Eat It

Disorderlies was a pretty phat movie. Phat like the cool kids say. Not fat like the fat boys.

I also mean phat as in not bad. Not terrible, and not good, just phat. Where am I going here. I lost my train of thought.

Disorderlies was like watching the three stooges, but with bad timing and cheesy acting. Yeah that's it.

The Goods: Overall fun movie, freeze frame high five at the end of the movie.
The Bads: Very predictable, full rap song midway through the movie.
The Moral: Don't make exuberant amounts of money because your nephew will try and kill you.
Rating: 2 Dominos pizza product placements out of 5

The Case of the Missing Puppets

Ghoulies let me down man, it let me down hard.

I thought this was going to be a fun little movie where little puppets wreak havoc on a group of college kids.

What we get is a 40 year old 'college kid' reciting some rituals and fighting with the chicken lady.

I didn't mind the characters, cliché as they are, they fit the type of movie. The problem with this movie is that they sold you a bill of goods, promising Boglin Ghoulie mayhem, but the Boglins Ghoulies were few and far between.

Drama between humans is BOOoooOOooring. Puppets are the spice of life. Write that down.

The Goods: Goofy looking actors and laughable situations.

The Bads: Where's the beef? Puppets?

The Moral: More puppets equal more fun! >:(

Rating: 2 boglins out of 5

Gymcaca

Wow. That trailer is misleading. I buckled myself in for a fun, ninja kicking, experience, but what I got was a boring kick in the junk.... without ninjas.. at all.. :'(

The acting is bad, the plot is ridiculous, and Gymkata is awesome terrible.

First of all the movie is suppose to be about Gymkata, right? That's the name of the movie.

Low and behold, there was about maybe 20 mins of gymkata in the entire movie. Gymkata was suppose to be a revolutionary new style of mix martial arts, but instead it was Kurt doing flips over people and running away. The only time he would actually be efficient in fighting is if there was gym related equipment laying around that he could use.

"Oh shi.. bad guys! Luckily there is a low hanging bar here between two buildings! I'm really lucky I can jump up and reach it! Oh good, it's chalked up already so I can swing around on it... Awesome the bad guys don't look and run into my swinging legs. Gymkata is super effective!"

The movie starts out with a montage, proceeds into a baloney story about a "game", and then ends with Kurt running around in Resident Evil 4.

The Goods: Some poor dude got knocked over by a horse in the scene where prisoners are set free and the warriors start chasing them. It was clearly a goof no one bothered editing out.

Here is an animated gif so you can see what I mean (without having to expose yourself to the movie again.)

The Bads: Gymkata

The Moral: Learn Karate. If you learn karate you don't need a pommel horse to kick people in the head.

The Rating: 1 arrow to the torso out of 5

When Courses Collide

Collision Course was pretty cheesy. I like cheese.

Jay Leno and Pat Morita didn't really play off each other very well, in fact they went together like oil and vinegar. Pat Morita was charming as usual, and his drunk scene was pretty funny, but then the camera would cut to Jay 'hammy acting' Leno and the scene would get punched in the junk.

The Goods: A fun period piece (yeah I'm calling it a period piece).

Crazy 80s music and stupid action. Example of stupid action: grenade + cartfuls of watermelon = end of train chase.

The Bads: Neeeaahhhhhh <- Jay Leno

The Moral: Buy your cars from Japan

Rating: 5 because I said I would out of 5
Wait... 5!? did I make a typo?!?!

Sadly no. and here is why:

the Mundane Prophecy

The title was suppose to be a pun on the Mothman Prophecy...eh?

To really tell if you enjoyed a movie, you should be thinking about it AFTER the movie is done.

If you watch a movie and you are still thinking about the story, certain characters, or even certain feelings, then it was probably a good movie. It made some sort of connection with you.

The Prophecy was the opposite of that. It was one of those movies that I'll probably forget about seeing in a year or so.

The Goods: If someone a year from now asks me if I'd seen the Prophecy. I'd probably say "I don't think so..."

The Bads: If someone a year from now asks me if I'd seen the Prophecy. I'd probably say "I don't think so..."

The 1st Moral: Remember Kids: Never hang out with creepy grown men! They might give you mints, but all they want is your soul!

The 2nd Moral: Having some homeless guy in your school give you mouth to mouth isn't a way to gain a soul. Its a way to gain something else. something gross. (Especially if he was previously kissing dead guys.)

The Rating: 2 I don't give a cares out of 5

The one good thing about this movie was that I got to draw Christopher Walken Vs Casey Jones. I haven't drawn Casey Jones since I was like ten. Awesome.

If you don't know why I drew Casey Jones, then shame on you!

I'm Super Serial

Serial Mom:
This movie was actually pretty good! It was zany, funny and I enjoyed the the story.
Beverly Sutphin (Kathleen Turner) was a delightful character. Although she'd drop an air-conditioner onto someone, or make multiple prank phone calls, she is still someone you like and would root for.

The teens in this movie were kinda annoying. They really pushed obsessive traits into the characters and I think if they were a bit more subtle it would have read a bit better.

The Goods: An overall absurd and fun movie. Kathleen Turner's crazy performance. The bathroom yell.

The Bads: Nothing really terrible sticks out. Maybe how Beverly lost the cops by driving over someone's lawn... there must be a deleted scene out there somewhere. (I've seen COPS. It's not that easy)

The Moral: Always rewind your tapes!

Rating: 4 smacks to the head with a turkey leg out of 5

Here is a (very) quick doodle of the aforementioned bathroom yell.

Please listen to the sound effect for maximum experience:

Baby back riiiiiibs and BBQ sauce

Here is my review of Baby the Secret of the lost somethingorother...

The movie wasn't terrible. It wasn't very good either. Considering the dumps we had to wade through so far, this was like a picnic.

The human characters were kind of boring, and the back and forth between the good guys and bad guys got a tad tiresome.
The best character in this movie was the crazy scientist/paleontologist/murderer. That dude would do anything for science!

The Goods: Lack of CGI and Seeing the seams in the floppy dino suites.

The Bads: The annoying human characters.

Rating: 3 tranquilizers in a dinosaur's neck out of 5

Here's a little treat I spent a couple hours making. It's better then the movie:

A little touch of boring

Imma make this quick.

Touch was boring. Maybe it would have been better if I was in the mood for this type of movie, but I wasn't.

I was ready for a comedy movie. The funniest part was when Tom Arnold got pushed out a window. weee

The Goods: Christopher Walken

The Bads: ZZZZ

Rating: 1 because Christopher Walken was in it out of 5

I didn't know what to draw so I redrew the VHS cover to make it more appropriate:

You have the right to remain dead!

Elisa and I watched Showdown in Little Tokyo last night.

One word review: Wow! not in a good way

Another one word review: Sorry

This movie was not what I was expecting. I honestly thought it was going to be a buddy cop movie or something (like rush hour or lethal weapon.)

I’m not sure what this was. It was kind of like a buddy cop movie, but it really wasn’t. The story was boring, the acting was terrible, no characters meshed, and the overall tone didn’t make sense. It was sometimes light hearted, but then they would throw in a topless lady or slice off someone's limb.

Sometimes a movie can be so bad that it goes full circle until it's good again.

Showdown in little Tokyo almost made it back to the good side. It was close but no cigar.

The Goods: Some things were pretty fun. Exploding parade floats, cheesy acting, stuffing underwear full of weapons.

The Bads: Overwhelming feeling of 'this isn't very good'

I’m giving this 2 car tipping Dolph Lundgrens out of 5

Anyone want to buy a dvd for $3.50+tax?

I didn't know what to draw so I drew that poor guy who cut his finger off.

Showdown in Little Tokyo

This week I have chosen the movie: Showdown in Little Tokyo


Movie Info:
- This motion picture was made in 1991

- It's Budget:$8,000,000

- It's domestic gross: $2,275,557
- I bought this DVD last night for $3.50. I'm hoping it's worth it.

The cavalcade of stars include: the Crow, Ivan Drago, Shang Tsung, and Wayne's girlfriend.

"They are two LA cops that are hungry for a little takeout"

Sorry in advance.

Freaked Out

This was one weird-ass movie. The show started off somewhat bad, but like a mutated growth it kinda grew on you. It really felt like an old David Zucker movie, which in my opinion is a good thing.

The acting was pretty terrible and really over the top. Randy Quaid was probably the best actor in this and that alone gives you an indication on how good the movie is.

The lack of acting was probably the reason why many of the Jokes didn't work. The redeeming factor, at least for me, was the set design and character prosthetics. It was a visually fun movie to watch.

Overall I thought it was a decent movie and I can understand why it has a cult following. It's worth at least one viewing.

This is a bit generous but I'm going to give it: 3 curly toes out of 5