Hi Malcolm! I'm 6 years since the last post!

HEY! HEY! WE'RE BACK!!

After an unplanned four month hiatus, Drawn in 60 Seconds is back with a new movie.

Since we missed Halloween, which is the best time to pick a movie, you will be treated to a scary and wonderful looking movie with a surprise cast.

Enjoy

Shopping Mall?

Why are we reviewing shopping malls now? What? Oh "CHOPPING" mall! oooh killer robots and terrible acting! oh that makes sense now.

Chopping Mall was a fun movie, it is the epitome of what this blog should be about. Although the movie itself is mind-numbingly awful it was still fun and really entertaining.
Lots of movies have been getting A+s in "mind-numbingly awful" but Ds in "fun and entertaining". So this one passed the test.

The Goods: A bad movie that was fun to watch with friends. The type of movie that is more enjoyable when everyone is talking about it while it plays.

The Bads: There was lots of "bad" things in this movie but they all added to the overall appeal. The worst thing was probably how cliché the teens acted.

Life lesson: How to escape from killbots: Hide or take the stairs.

Rating: 3.5 pink lasers out of 5

Didn't want to go shopping anyway.

Chopping Mall was a prime example of why we do this blog. A very obscure movie and yet very entertaining. I really enjoyed it! From opening credits to the last couple minutes of the movie I was laughing at all the glorious cheese! The very premiss of this movie doesn't make sense and Corina pointed that out in the first 3 mins of the movie. Killbots in a mall rolling around can be defeated by...stairs. NOT SCARY. Also heights and low spots out of a robot's line of vision, but instead these teens "duck and weave" right in the line of fire. The killing line up was very predictable, they followed the horror movie rules. But Oh the dazzling visual graphics...just stunning. I also loved how the robots sounded like vacuum cleaners, very stealthy. But my favorite part in the whole movie: man rides slow moving scoot buggy into robot and is electrocuted. Epic death of all time.
For all those "B" movie enthusiasts this movie is a must see!!!!

I give this movie 4 air pinchin' intimidations out of 5

Chopping Mall (1986)

"Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg" hahaha clever!

I know we are all eager to watch this movie but make sure you watch it in the day time. I can tell this is going to be one of "those" movies that make you jump from your bedroom door into bed and make you have to pee in pairs!

Freedom Isn't free, Jack!

IMPORTANT NOTE:
I'm going to try and be nice in this review. I'm not going to be mean or negative.
It's going to be full of sunshine and rainbows.

Freejack was a delightful movie filled with pink race car explosions, time travel and tin foil surgeons using lightning guns to lobotomize Emilio Estevez.

It has digital old men trying to steal young men's body's to live forever and it's full of... Ahhh I can't do it anymore. Freejack wasn't good. It was boring and predictable, none if the characters mattered, the acting was okay, but nothing really happened that was worth the money to put it on screen. I guarantee Anthony Hopkins does not talk about Freejack and probably slaps anyone who brings it up.

All in all the idea wasn't bad, and the acting was okay, but the movie stinks anyway.

Here is how I remember the movie (maybe that's why I didn't like it):

Rating: 1 nibble on Emilio's ear out of 5


BTW isn't it weird that this movie takes place in 2009? It's like watching a movie that takes place in the future, but is still in the past. Head explode!

FreeJack more like PeeVac. Get it a Vacuum that sucks urine?!

Wow...what a movie. What can I say it was 2 hours of computer browsing time. When I am able to browse the web and still be able to know whats going on in the movie thats pretty bad! FreeJack was an educational experience. I learned how to be romatic "nibble my ear for luck", saran wrap has more uses then keeping food fresh, and if you need to blend into a poverty stricken place just limp a little (same goes for if you need to blend in with pirates, I feel completely capable now even if I don't get the help of Tinkerbell). Seeing Emilio brings back the days of the Mighty Ducks I just couldn't help but expect Emilio to yell at some point "Flying V"... it never happened:(
FreeJack was pretty boring I didn't care about the characters, the action scenes were weak to say the least and the special effects could have been done better in my basement! One thing I found amusing in the movie was Brad. The bad guy from Mr. Nanny sans metal plate in his head... I always wondered what he looked like without it. I've concluded he just looks less shiny!
Overall I don't want to watch the movie again, that was 2 hrs of my life that I will miss and I would have rather watched Gymkata again!!!!

I give this movie 1 deadly games of hide and go seek out of 5

What was this move called again?

Movie makers in the 90's loved to make movies about how America has fallen from the top of the world when it actually was at the top. Now that its in a free fall you won't see any movies like this for many years to come.
This movie had all the ingredients, apocalyptic future, rich have advanced technology poor have nothing, like animals, funny looking futuristic cars. NY 2009 not even close to how it was portrayed in this movie.Its funny how the "futuristic" tv screens are still the old tv tube style.
Lots of familiar faces couldn't help this one. Horrible acting Mick Jaggar, Emilio acting isn't much better. Sir Anthony, what have you done?

Slightly interesting plot but overwhelming who cares because you ultimately know what's going to happen. Basically hey who am I, what happened to me, who did this to me, get revenge or something type story.
I had to laugh when Emilio put that helmet on, way too big for him.
And oooooooh, a big eye, some crappy cg, and viola, they are in some kind of virtual reality mind swap with Anthony Hopkins, wow. Nice twist on the ending but it was pretty predictable.
Perfect way to wrap up a predictable 90's film, a boring one at that.
I give this one 2 cat naps out of 5



So I was really uninspired thinking of something to draw for this so I drew an alien elephant with no ears and chicken feet.

Freejack (1992)

I hope the year 2009 won't be like this...

P-P-P-Porkys

The Goods: Immature humor. I was pleasantly surprised that it had a decent plot.

The Bads: Porky had his business torn down because he wouldn't let underage durps partake in his establishment. I have to side with Porky in this movie and I was kind of mad at how everything turned out. Those brats had no business being there and that redneck kid didn't need to KEEP going back there.

Life lesson: Highschool is a crazy time! It's full of interesting and outrageous situations! (not really)

Rating: 3 broken headlights out of 5

Porky Schmorky

Well I watched this movie about a week and a half ago so it's a little tough to remember some of the comments I had but i will try. I could not tell when this movie was suppose to be taking place. It seemed to be late 50's ish but then the teens language and conduct was more like a movie of the 80's and 90's. Their cars and clothing were vintage as well. Oh and holy nudity! I should have guessed from the front cover of the movie but it caught me off guard. It was movie cheese at its finest, I love the pulling down of Porky's at the end the only thing that could have made that scene better would have been ........ a montage!!!! Overall just a fun movie to watch.


I give this movie 3 Faulty Plumbings out of 5

No strippin... no dippin

This movie started off a little more crude than I thought it would. But it turned out this movie actually had a plot. REVENGE. Or so I thought. But then it wandered around to other adult pranks and predicaments. But then it went back to the revenge plot. And holy crap they ripped the whole building down, ha. No prank just rip the building down and piss off the jerk that can kill you. But it was a trap that wrapped up pretty easily, pretty good revenge I guess. Bad writing though.

Judging by the poster and all the juvenile sex talk in the opening of this movie I thought we were in for something worse that all the American Pie movies combined. It actually turned out to be kind of a good movie. 80's you've done it again. This was one of the movies that started this kind of genre and I guess it is pretty tame by today's standards. Again this was one of those movies I was not allowed to see when I was little, but it probably would have been OK except for a couple scenes.

Well all in all, this movie had alot going on, the pranks, police corruption, classic phone gags, racism, sexual assaults with a huge inflatable, explosions, seemingly unending story running into the credits. But I'll give it 2.5 horribly acting Kim Cattralls out of 5


Here is the never before seen cropped out portion of the porky's poster.
This one was truly drawn in 60 seconds, blecchh.

PORKY'S!!!!

This week is Corina's pick, and since she still won't get an account, here's her post:
Well, don't wanna sound like a perv, but let's watch Porky's. This is a classic from the 80's, I think, but I have never actually watched it. Enjoy the Pork Fest guys! Corina

no hay escapatoria

Whoops, I went all Espanol on the title there.
Well, this was a pretty good movie, as I remembered it.
This movie was made in 1994, the dawn of the digital age, and I noticed that the special effects on this one were not digital but optical. Probably one of the last few big action movies to use that type of technology, maybe.
The sets reminded me of Waterworld or Hook, you got the feeling that you were on a set, but that kinda has a charm to it.
One thing I didn't like was the wimpy Dillon brother, messing up the whole plan like that, and then was killed anyway, what a bother. On the other hand, Ray Liotta held his own as the action star.

I'll give this one 3.5 thank god Kevin Coster wasn't in this one's out of 5



This part made me lol when the 2 inept guards were skewered by an arrow then gave a hilarious scream/look and fell down the shaft. I though it was funny.

Escape From Absolom...I mean No Escape

This was a really good movie, I will definitely watch it again in the future. I wouldn't even mind owning it!!! I find it hard to think of Ray Liotta as a bad ass because I always think of him as Manny the dad from Corrina Corrina. when Captain Robbins got dropped off at Absolom I thought he was going to join the "lost boys" and they were going to plan their escape, while fighting against majestic wild beasts, jungle disease and indigenous cannibal tribesman. I was a little off. I liked the way it ended up playing out.

Lots of action, good story and I cared about the characters. An enjoyable movie to watch! Great pick!



I give this movie 4.25Grown men's diaries out of5

Escape? Nope!

Who knew Ray Liotta running around an island could be this much fun?

Seriously though, I have a headache so I'm gonna keep this short.

The Goods: Good Movie. It was entertaining and fun.
The Bads: The whiny kid was a little annoying, but I guess he was important for the story progression.
Life lesson: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Rating: 4 Homemade Christmas Trees out of 5

No Escape

Well, here you go, I saw this in the theater when it came out and thought to myself after, "I would see that gain".
Well its been17 years and I haven't seen it again... until now, well later I guess.
What more could you ask for, Liotta, a Ghostbuster, a Dillon, the android from Aliens, and a guy who I thought was Dennis Hopper, wow! Too much for me, I'm waay excited.

Going To Need More Then A Prayer

I am on a roll, I just keep picking gems. I thought this movie would be an extreme mighty ducks meets double dragon....it pretty much was. It even had a cheesy version of "the flying V". An angsty gang of teens has taken over the streets and the distribution of the drug mist, our Charley Conway of the movie Griffin(Corey Haim) has to become apart of the rollerboys (against his better judgement) for the cops. Armed only with good looks, mad blading skills, and a sweet pair of pants he single handedly takes down the rollerboys as well as a duo of dirty cops. He gets the girl, saves his father figure Speedbagger, and earns his younger brother an education. I love happy endings.

This movie wasn't terrible. It kind of jumped all over the place though and it really didn't explain why or how the rollerboys came into power. However I did enjoy the rollerblading scenes with Griffin and I can appreciate the story. Nothing too memorable though.




I give this movie 2.5Crazy Jacob Mist makers out of5

Rollerbarf

Wow. Elisa can sure pick em'. A nice healthy turd from the movie tree.

The Prayer of the Rollerboys is an action packed thrill ride with constant edge of your seat excitement. The powerful acting and breathtaking story will keep this movie relevant for generations to come.

... Whoops! No, the opposite of that.


The Goods: Somewhat fun very 90s.
The Bads: Boring. At times I thought this movie was running on energizer batteries.
Life lesson: How to make a movie:
1) Pour in a plot centered around an apocalyptic city.
2) Pick an activity that seems extreme.
3) Dash in some made up drug that seems to be the problem of the world.
4) Sprinkle in punks and attitude
5) ?
6) Profit

Rating: 1 hit of 'Mist' out of 5

Payer of the... get me outta here

Prayer of the Rollerboys, what can I say Elisa, you did it again. Not even the the acting prowess of the Haim Machine could save this one.
The day of the Rope-a-dope has not come and we are all the better for it.
Ok for real, this movie was slightly boring, very predictable, the acting was pretty bad, you could tell the kid was just reading the lines right before he said them.
As for the story, well it was ok, if you believe 12 scrawny young men could take over Los Angeles and hold it captive with just their reputaion and a pair of wicked roller-blades, gawd! Pretty lame.
At least we got one last flick from Corey before his career went kaboom!
RIP Corey and RIP this movie.

I give this one 1.5 gory, story, allegory, montessoris out of 5 (figure that reference out, if you can)